I’ve been messing with the same dude since at least Fall 2015 before we (I) got serious we had been friends since high school, so let’s say 2012. It’s now the latter end of 2016 and through all the SHIT he and I have been through, I still remain faithful to him, though he was never mine and only sometimes treated me as such. I know I know, just go, free yourself, etc., etc. but it’s not that easy. I’m trapped in one of those, when we’re good, we’re REAL good, but when we’re bad, we’re REAL bad situations. Looking at it from the outside, I am disgusted, if I were my friend, I would’ve been dogged myself out like girl wtf are you doing, but as myself, I continue to put up with instability and inconsistency, its sad y’allI I know I promise!
All the while this is going on in a way I still carry myself as being single. I go out with my friends all the time, we hang out get drunk stay out late, you know all the things single girls do (OH, did I mention that they don’t know about this inner battle I’m having with myself? I’m too embarrassed to tell them). I occasionally will talk to guys, but I can’t allow myself to go on dates with them, I can’t take them serious and ESPECIALLY for the sake of their feelings I don’t get too deeply involved knowing that the other half of me is waiting for this other guy to do right.
On to how this has affected my self-esteem:
So as I mentioned, my love for this man has put a damper on my dating life, but when I face the issue head on, it’s really a problem of myself. Quite honestly I feel undateable, and I’ve felt that way for a long time, I feel like he’s the only guy capable of genuinely liking me which is sad, I know other guys are willing to at least “try it out” with me. But I cannot/ will not let them. I see what I want from life, relationship-wise, and I want it from this particular guy and even in knowing that may not be what he wants I still stay. I am sickened by myself! I do everything with him in mind, even unintentionally, will he like this, will he like that, I am literally living for a man, and it sucks because the stuff I worry about him liking, he pays no attention to. I feel like I’m in constant battle with myself, and it truly makes me upset. I cry about this all the time I pray about this all the time, and I feel like nothing is changing!
But you know, what’s prayer without action? As of this very moment I have removed him from all of my social media, and I have begun reading articles on self-love and self-care, doing daily worksheets just to help me love me a bit more. I’m gonna do this for about 30 days and hopefully I see some change from this, I hate this state that I am in, and since I haven’t told anyone it’s something I’m going to have to work out by myself, for myself.
I’ll be back with some updates a little later,